Heart Ache

So, Im really haivng a hard time these last few days. The best way I know to put it is just that my heart hurts. I feel like it has been ripped in two. I absolutely can't wait to go home. Everyday I am counting down but there is another part of me that just really doesnt want to leave China. I really really like it here, actually its more than that I LOVE it here. I just feel so confused. I knew that this would happen, that I would come to the end of my time and not want to leave but I dont think I realized the magnitude of how it would make me feel. One of the things that I loved about having my family is here is that for 8 short days my two worlds (china and home) where combined. It was amazing!

We had dinner with our Chinese friends tonight and we were planning out all of the things that we want to do before we go home. It so wierd that we have spent three months with them and in a few short days I will probably never see them again. Same way with my friends from my group. We have lived, traveled, studied, ate, went though good times, and bad times together over these past 100 days and most likely when we say goodbye in LA that will be the end. Its just wierd to me. Its wierd how people come into our life and quickly go while others stay for your whole lifetime. Its wierd how we are all walking down our path of life and sometimes the path crosses with a particular person and you grow to know them, love them and learn from them and then there are others that we will never meet. Other people that we will never encouter. Its funny how God works. Its funny that 3 months ago I knew none of these people. I didnt know their faces, their names, their life stories, their passions and dreams and now I do but will have to leave them all too soon!

The same goes for the kids in the orphanage. Why is it that the 20 kids that I have been playing with over the past months why was it those specific kids? there are millions of orphans. God could have crossed my path with so many different ones but for some reason he chose these specific kids, these specific smiles and heart aches, these specific laughs and tears all for me to spend time with and love on. For some reason he put me in their life and he put them in my life. Why is it that he gave me such a love for my little precious girl Xin Yue. Why do I feel so burdened to find a family to adopt her? Why does the thought of saying goodbye to her on Saturday make my eyes well up with tears? I dont know why I probably never will.

So in all of this I guess I have just been thinking alot lately. A lot about God, his creation, his plans and how his plans are not my plans and his ways are not my ways. Part of me wishes that I could know all of the answers to these questions but then there is another part of me that is glad that I will never know because that is the beauty of faith; being able to look to God and not know the answers but being ok becuase I know that He loves me and that He is in control.

10 days and I will be home, I will be hugging all of you that I have missed so dearly, all you that have provided with me love and encouragement that has helped me to make it though these past 3 months. If I could ask for prayer from all of you that would be amazing. Please pray that God would heal my heart. That he would help me to hold onto every moment that I have left here in China and that He would prepare me for the changes that are ahead in the coming days. Love you all!