The Last Blog

Friday Dec. 7th I woke up bright and early to start one of the most bittersweet days of my life thus far. I said goodbye to my Chinese friends, I said goodbye to Xiamen University, I said goodbye to Xiamen city, the place that I had lived for 101 days. I said goodbye to Dr. Jay the director of my program. I then boarded the plane in Xiamen. When we landed in Hong Kong I said goodbye to my roommate, Michelle one of my best friends during my time in China. When I boarded the plane in Hong Kong I said goodbye to China. I had cried tears throughout the day but I lost it when we took off in HK. I was leaving, leaving this place of my heart. When we landed in LA I was on US soil for the first time in 101 days I was excited to know I was back yet depressing to know I was really gone. Here I said goodbye to the rest of my team the people that I had lived, eaten, traveled, and learned with over the past months. Saying goodbye was hard because I didnt know if I would ever see them again. I said goodbye to the support system, the prayer partners, and the best friends during my time abroad. It was surreal. I then started the last leg of my journey, the journey home to my family. When I landed in St. Louis I didnt know what to think, in just a few seconds I would be seeing those that I hadnt seen for months and the excitment of that was unbearable but at the same time the reality was real... I was no longer in China. It was over, it was done. I got off the plane to see 21 smiling faces, 21 people that I loved dearly, 21 people that I couldnt embrace fast enough. And that was my day, the most bitter sweet day I have ever lived.

I want to sum up what I learned and what happened inside of me while I was in China. It really would be impossible to fully do that but here is my best shot...The truth is this trip was the time of my life but also one of the hardest times of my life. I went to that place 122 days ago a girl who didnt know if she could handle the independance or the distance from her friends and family, a girl who was timid and shy and scared of this BIG BIG world that sat in front of her, a girl who thought she was called to china, a girl who thought she loved that place, and I sit here today a girl who handled and even grown to love the independence that she experienced there, a girl who missed her family and friends dearly but was ok because she had her GOD to walk her though each day, a girl who overcame her fears and insecurites and not only survived in that BIG BIG world of China but thrived, a girl knows she is called to China, a girl who knows that she LOVES that place and a girl that is just waiting on HIS timing to bring her her back to this place of her heart.

I have been home for 3 weeks exactly. It seems like years since I left Xiamen. My whole time there honestly feels like a fragement of my imagination. Those people, places, events feel like something that has been lost in time. I hold them in my heart, I meet them in my dreams, I see them in the faces of those around me every day but I never actually get to hear them or smell them or feel their presence around me. Im getting used to this empty feeling in my heart. Im getting used to the hole. I know I should move on. I know that China, CSP Fall '07 is just a short phase in my life but I feel like it has been engraved into my soul it has become a part of who I am. Fact of the matter is it has become a part of who I am. No matter how hard I try I can never forget it, I can never walk away from it. It will always be here. I will always feel it. I know its time to walk forward but I feel like I dont fit in here anymore. I feel like I dont think the same, look at things the same way, or interact with people the same way as I used to. I feel that I am standing on a bridge. A bridge that gaps two worlds. My arms are being pulled in two directions one back to China the place of my heart the other forward towards my family and life in the states, in a sense the rest of my life sits on this side of the bridge. I chose to walk forward. No matter how hard it is I chose to walk forward towards the future. I will hold onto these memories I will hold on to these times but instead of letting them hold me back and hinder me I choose to let them walk beside me pushing me towards what lies ahead. I know that China is not over. I know I will go back so until that time comes I will walk forward waiting for that day...

The End is Here

Well the bags are packed, the room is cleaned, the last of the last have been done. Tonight me and my friends are just going to hang out together watching movies and talking. We leave here at 10 am tomorrow morning (my Friday Dec. 7th). I will land in LA around 3pm Central time (your Friday afternoon). Please pray for me as I say goodbye to this amazing adventure that I have been on for the past 3.5 months. It has been the time of my life!

I cant wait to see all of you and hug you and share my stories with you.

Zaijian (See you later) from Xiamen!

Time

Well the first of the lasts have started. Our last time at the orphanage, our last time at the Chinese Church , my last time getting my hair cut here, my last few times riding the bus, my last time going to class, my last time writing papers or doing assignments for CSP!, my last time calling people before I go home, my last time doing laundry without a dryer, my last time buying things with Chinese money, my last time seeing little kids pee on the streets, my last time eating my favorite Chinese dishes, my last time counting down the days by months or even weeks, Just three months ago I was doing all of these things for the first time and now I'm beginning to do all of them for the last time.
Time is weird...you feel like somethings will never happen, somethings will never come and then in the blink of an eye it is over and done with and you find yourself standing on the other side feeling like a whirlwind just hit you, feeling all out sorts, feeling like you don't even know what you should be feeling.

Saying goodbye to the kiddos

Yesterday was our last day with the kids at the orphanage. When we got there they were playing outside. We brought paper, crayons, playdough, candy, and some little rubber balls for each of them. They loved it! They were so cute.
Xin Yue, the little girl that I really love is doing so much better. Normally she is very reserved and non-interactive but yesterday she was smiling at me and playing peek-a-boo with me and she even let me pick her up and hold her which she normally doesn't.
The time seemed to fly by I couldn't believe it when Doris, the lady who always takes us, said it was time to go. When I said goodbye to the kids I wish I could have talked to them more to tell that how much I loved each one of them and how much they had touched my life but all I could say was "Zai Jian" (goodbye) and pat them on the head or give them a high five or a hug.
I kissed Xin Yue on the check and said a litle prayer that God would hold her tight then I handed her to her nannie. The kids then ran in side and we turned around to leave. As soon as they were out of sight I lost it. The tears flowed like the flood gates had just opened. It just broke my heart to think that I would never see these kids again and that that I was going home to my nice home and family back in the States and that they had to stay here with no one to love them and no one to call them their own.
Even though I know that time will pass and my life will get busy and the impact that these kids made on my life this semester will most likely fade I know that I will never forget them and that they will always have a special place in my heart.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmzXroCo9SI this is the link to my taiji routine that I learned this semester

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas

So the other day I walked into Wal-Mart (that in itself seems wierd enough, Wal-mart in China!) and was surpirsed to see that they had a whole section full of Christmas decorations. Now, China doesnt celebrate Christmas so this seemed a little wierd :) They had garland, Christmas light, ornaments, stockings, fake snow, trees, window clings, the whole shabang! Even the registeres had signs that said Merry Christmas in Chinese!

The funniest thing to me was this little santa house they had set up. It cracks me up that he is sitting around the table drinking tea. Its so funny to me how everyone sees things through the eyes of their own culure. In America you would never see Santa drinking tea but it totally make sense here beause they do that all the time.

My and my friends bought a whole bunch of decorations because we decided to have a Christmas party with our Chinese friends. We are going to have it on Thursday, our last night here.

Before seeing these decorations it didnt seem possible that it could be time for Christmas already but now I am super excited and cant wait to get home to celebrate with my family and friends.

Last Day of Class

Today we finished our Chinese Painting, TaiJi and Eastern Philosophy and Religions Class. I cant belive I'm done! When I recieved my syllabis 3 months ago I was totally overwhelmed not knowing how I would get thorugh all of my classes. Well, I did and on top of that I passed all of them which is always a plus :) Here are some pictures...

My EPR Prof.

My Taiji Class

My Chinese painting Class

My final project for painting