The Last Blog

Friday Dec. 7th I woke up bright and early to start one of the most bittersweet days of my life thus far. I said goodbye to my Chinese friends, I said goodbye to Xiamen University, I said goodbye to Xiamen city, the place that I had lived for 101 days. I said goodbye to Dr. Jay the director of my program. I then boarded the plane in Xiamen. When we landed in Hong Kong I said goodbye to my roommate, Michelle one of my best friends during my time in China. When I boarded the plane in Hong Kong I said goodbye to China. I had cried tears throughout the day but I lost it when we took off in HK. I was leaving, leaving this place of my heart. When we landed in LA I was on US soil for the first time in 101 days I was excited to know I was back yet depressing to know I was really gone. Here I said goodbye to the rest of my team the people that I had lived, eaten, traveled, and learned with over the past months. Saying goodbye was hard because I didnt know if I would ever see them again. I said goodbye to the support system, the prayer partners, and the best friends during my time abroad. It was surreal. I then started the last leg of my journey, the journey home to my family. When I landed in St. Louis I didnt know what to think, in just a few seconds I would be seeing those that I hadnt seen for months and the excitment of that was unbearable but at the same time the reality was real... I was no longer in China. It was over, it was done. I got off the plane to see 21 smiling faces, 21 people that I loved dearly, 21 people that I couldnt embrace fast enough. And that was my day, the most bitter sweet day I have ever lived.

I want to sum up what I learned and what happened inside of me while I was in China. It really would be impossible to fully do that but here is my best shot...The truth is this trip was the time of my life but also one of the hardest times of my life. I went to that place 122 days ago a girl who didnt know if she could handle the independance or the distance from her friends and family, a girl who was timid and shy and scared of this BIG BIG world that sat in front of her, a girl who thought she was called to china, a girl who thought she loved that place, and I sit here today a girl who handled and even grown to love the independence that she experienced there, a girl who missed her family and friends dearly but was ok because she had her GOD to walk her though each day, a girl who overcame her fears and insecurites and not only survived in that BIG BIG world of China but thrived, a girl knows she is called to China, a girl who knows that she LOVES that place and a girl that is just waiting on HIS timing to bring her her back to this place of her heart.

I have been home for 3 weeks exactly. It seems like years since I left Xiamen. My whole time there honestly feels like a fragement of my imagination. Those people, places, events feel like something that has been lost in time. I hold them in my heart, I meet them in my dreams, I see them in the faces of those around me every day but I never actually get to hear them or smell them or feel their presence around me. Im getting used to this empty feeling in my heart. Im getting used to the hole. I know I should move on. I know that China, CSP Fall '07 is just a short phase in my life but I feel like it has been engraved into my soul it has become a part of who I am. Fact of the matter is it has become a part of who I am. No matter how hard I try I can never forget it, I can never walk away from it. It will always be here. I will always feel it. I know its time to walk forward but I feel like I dont fit in here anymore. I feel like I dont think the same, look at things the same way, or interact with people the same way as I used to. I feel that I am standing on a bridge. A bridge that gaps two worlds. My arms are being pulled in two directions one back to China the place of my heart the other forward towards my family and life in the states, in a sense the rest of my life sits on this side of the bridge. I chose to walk forward. No matter how hard it is I chose to walk forward towards the future. I will hold onto these memories I will hold on to these times but instead of letting them hold me back and hinder me I choose to let them walk beside me pushing me towards what lies ahead. I know that China is not over. I know I will go back so until that time comes I will walk forward waiting for that day...